{"id":1585,"date":"2019-03-20T13:12:15","date_gmt":"2019-03-20T12:12:15","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/keromosemito.de\/?p=1585"},"modified":"2020-05-24T13:48:13","modified_gmt":"2020-05-24T11:48:13","slug":"how-do-i-tell-my-boss-or-feedback-in-the-style-of-kalashnikova","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/keromosemito.de\/en\/how-do-i-tell-my-boss-or-feedback-in-the-style-of-kalashnikova\/","title":{"rendered":"How do I tell my boss? Or \u2013 feedback in the style of Kalashnikova"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u201cMs.\u00a0Keromosemito, my boss asked me to give him feedback. There are a few things I would like to criticize. Do you think I should really tell him what I think of him?\u201c Mr.\u00a0M., employee in a medical technology company, recently asked me. Criticizing others is always a challenge. From a rational point of view we are able to understand that it makes sense to tell someone when they are not behaving \u201ccorrectly.\u201d How else will the person know that their behavior is not OK?<\/p>\n

Time and again we read that there are a higher-than-average number of narcissists among top-level managers. I do not believe that this is true. The managers I work with do not strike me as psychologically abnormal. However, some definitely display peculiar behaviors. This is hardly surprising, because the higher up the hierarchy managers are, the fewer people will have the courage to give them honest feedback. We are too worried that our bosses resent us if we criticize them. Criticism may (unconsciously) be used against us, for example, when it comes to the next salary review or promotion round.<\/p>\n

As consultants, we find all this a bit easier. These days, consultants sometimes take on the role of a court jester. We are able to voice harsh truths without losing our heads. But what kind of head space are we in when such thoughts plague us? Salary freeze, ruined careers, lost heads? We are definitely not in the here and now, but in fantasy land. Our fear has unconsciously catapulted us to a horror scenario in which we see our children growing up as orphans, on the brink of starvation, because we lost our heads. Get out of there as fast as you can! Fear is rarely a good adviser.<\/p>\n

The question of \u201cHow do I tell my boss?\u201d is a hot topic in a lot of my training and coaching sessions. Here, I do not so much work on helping my customers find perfect or polished formulations, but instead I support them with formulating criticism in such a way that it is in line with their style of communication. Criticism MAY be perceived negatively by the boss, but does NOT HAVE to be. This depends on both you and your boss in equal measure. Some people are open and can handle the truth, while others are quickly offended. However, in my experience most managers are grateful if people are frank with them, even if they find the feedback hard to swallow initially. I firmly recommend providing critical feedback in a one-on-one setting and communicating honestly, clearly,<\/strong> and at the same time in an appreciative<\/strong> way.<\/p>\n

Wisdom is listening to your own advice. I am far from wise, on the contrary, for years I have been working on showing appreciation for others. I don\u2019t always manage this successfully and tend to receive the feedback that I should be more diplomatic. Over 20\u00a0years ago, this led to me getting the far-from-flattering nickname “Kalashnikova.\u201d When it comes to being more diplomatic, my development progress seems to be rather slow.<\/p>\n

For example, Mr.\u00a0S., managing director of a large Swiss company, told me a while ago that during the last management conference he gave the order to have the doors locked from the inside right after the end of the lunch break to teach habitual latecomers a lesson. He said that he then resolutely carried on with the conference with only 90% of managers present. I am aware that the Swiss attach great importance to punctuality, however, I was shocked by this approach and told him \u2013 \u201cAre you crazy? Never do that again!\u201d<\/p>\n

BAM, there she was again \u2013 Kalashnikova. Spontaneous, impulsive, and anything but appreciative. Seven years of meditation and mindfulness training gone down the drain. I am not sure who was more stunned following my comment, Mr.\u00a0S or me. Mr.\u00a0S. reacted promptly. He explained that the topic of a loss of efficiency as a result of latecomers had been discussed repeatedly in the company and that he was simply fed up. He was aware that this was not a popular measure, but bosses had to be consistent after all. He stated that ultimately, bosses should be role models. His justifications ended with the statement \u2013 \u201cWhat else am I supposed to do to get managers to finally realize that they should be on time?\u201d<\/p>\n

I felt a bit like I do when I surf and when a solid head-high wave approaches me from behind. I then often think \u2013 that wave is too big, I can\u2019t manage that. I get scared of the impending wipeout, scared that the wave will crash over me and that it will pull me under. For seemingly endless 5-10\u00a0seconds you then can\u2019t distinguish between up and down. That is a good exercise for a control freak like me. I love surfing. It doesn\u2019t allow for \u201cmaybe\u201d and \u201cI\u2019ll just try it out.\u201d It is uncompromising. Each wave is a unique opportunity. If you hesitate it is often already too late. However, if you overcome your fear and put all your effort into paddling, you can reach the top of the wave. This is rewarded with the best feeling in the world, the so-called stoke. “You go for the wave, or you don\u2019t.\u201c<\/p>\n

I realized that there was also no way back with Mr.\u00a0S. I did not listen to the queasy feeling in my stomach that was telling me that my children will soon be motherless. Fear is rarely a good adviser. I took a deep breath and said firmly \u2013 \u201cI am sorry Mr.\u00a0S., I stand by what I said, that was a REALLY STUPID idea of yours. This has nothing to do with motivating employees.\u201d This was like a wake-up call for Mr.\u00a0S. As an intelligent and self-reflected person he was quickly able to realize that he had acted out of anger. Anger is also not a good adviser. There is no point in getting upset about people being late. There is (pretty much) always someone who arrives late for a meeting. After all, each and every one of has been late at one time or another, no matter how important punctuality is to us. I recommended the following to Mr.\u00a0S. \u2013 \u201cNext time you are upset about someone being late, first of all try to realize that you are angry. Where do you feel this in your body? Try to direct your breathing to that area. Use these few minutes in which you have nothing to do to look after yourself mentally. How are you currently feeling? Allow yourself to relax. Treat yourself to a five-minute break. You take too few breaks after all. One thing is clear, no matter how upset you get, your employee won\u2019t turn up any sooner as a result. The only one who suffers is you. In this state of mind you are not able to fully concentrate on the meeting.”<\/p>\n

My trainer Georg Lolos<\/a> inspired me here. If there was any commotion during training because some group members had not yet returned from a break, Georg often said \u2013 \u201cWe are not waiting, we are breathing.\u201d I have taken this to heart.<\/p>\n