“How are things going in your department these days?” I asked Michael as our session began this week. With a bright smile, he answered: “Pretty smoothly! At the start of the year, we revamped our processes in a series of workshops. Since then, we’ve been much more effective at demonstrating what we can do.”

His response was a welcome surprise. I’ve been advising the company where Michael works for several years now. The department he took charge of a year ago had long been known for persistent issues. His predecessor had made only minimal efforts to address needed change, which resulted in ongoing conflict within the team. Disagreements and blame-shifting became the norm in the department.

Me – “And what about the team’s morale?”
Michael – “It’s gotten a lot better.”
Me – “That’s wonderful to hear!” I exclaimed enthusiastically.
Michael – “Absolutely, and I owe a lot to the excellent support from a management consulting firm. They really delivered. Honestly, I could have never pulled it off on my own.”

As he spoke, his posture slumped and his smile faded. He almost seemed a little downcast. What was going on? Michael is driven and always strives for the best possible solution. He firmly believes that achievements are most meaningful when earned through his own determination, without outside assistance. This heroic image of conquering challenges solo is deeply rooted in the brains of many leaders. I call it the superhero ego. This ego insists that a person’s value is measured only by their own performance (or ability to perform). It pushes you relentlessly, never satisfied, and its influence is contagious. I understand that feeling well, so I share a story with Michael.

The biggest wave of her life

A few weeks ago, I participated in a development program led by my high-performance coach Matt Griggs and his colleague, professional surfer Taylor Knox. Each year, they host a surfing retreat in the Maldives, but the focus isn’t just on finding the best waves – it’s really about personal growth. The goal is to gain a deeper understanding of yourself and let go of unnecessary fears and challenges. Personally, I hoped this experience would inspire my coaching work. And, admittedly, I wanted to improve my surfing too. Knowing my tendency toward the superhero ego, I had a custom pink surfboard made as my secret weapon: it’s pink and sparkles in the sun. It was a playful reminder to relax and just enjoy surfing.

During our first session, the waves were gentle and perfect for a German hobby surfer like me! On the second day, though, we arrived at a surf spot where the waves were way beyond my skill level. Matt and I paddled out to the lineup. He kept encouraging me and pointed out the perfect wave. He even gave me a push to make sure I caught it. And just like that, I ended up riding the biggest wave of my life. On a glittery pink surfboard. I did everything right.

Positive feedback – unbearable and indigestible

After that session, I was beaming and absolutely ecstatic. But I hadn’t counted on my superhero ego. After twenty-five years of self-employment, I am used to managing everything on my own. Accepting help? I don’t think so. Sisters are doing it for themselves! My superhero ego voice piped up immediately:

  • You didn’t paddle for that wave.
  • Without Matt’s push, you never would have made it.
  • Only beginners need a push to catch a wave. How embarrassing!
  • You don’t belong here.

To make matters worse, some of my fellow travelers excitedly called out, “You were charging.” “That wave was massive.” But their praise felt false to me. Getting positive feedback was almost unbearable and indigestible, like serving a rare steak to a vegan.

Nothing’s working – Germany: zero points

The following day, we moved to a different spot with smaller waves. My ego wouldn’t let up: “You’ve been surfing for seven years. You can handle this alone. Go for it!” On my first takeoff, I slammed into the reef and cut my hand. My mood sank, and negative thoughts kept spiraling. I lost all motivation to surf. But giving up wasn’t an option, my ego insisted. I forced myself to keep trying for two more hours without catching a single wave before finally admitting: I really can’t surf. Germany: zero points.

This cycle continued for several days. Every surf session turned into a battle with my ego, and I struggled. One night I broke down, sobbing with frustration. When I told Michael about it, he looked at me as if I’d completely lost my mind – and honestly, I couldn’t blame him.

Goals turning into expectations

Luckily, the sea granted us two wave-free days. This unexpected break from surfing gave me the opportunity to reflect and connect with my fellow travelers. We explored ways to build a culture of appreciation within our company and tackled a range of non-surfing challenges. It was refreshing to stimulate my mind with new ideas. Gradually, I felt the pressure lift. During the workshop sessions and after the morning meditation, I enthusiastically captured thoughts, questions, and meaningful sayings in my journal. The ones that resonated most were:

  • Neediness stems from the ego or intellect comparing itself to others and craving approval.
  • Don’t let your goal turn into an expectation. If it does, practice detachment.

The greatest surfer is…

I explain to Michael that my ego tends to push me toward goals that are unrealistically ambitious. It cares only about whether I’ve achieved them through hard work. It doesn’t care about how I feel along the way. But what result…

  • …is based solely on individual effort? There are always people who lay the groundwork or create the conditions that make the result possible in the first place.
  • …is purely a matter of effort? Luck always plays a role, and effortless success correlates with skill. Everything is easy when you know how to do it.

Even after I accomplish a goal, my ego ALWAYS finds something I could have done even better. Honestly, isn’t talking about individual performance a bit dull? Who really cares about that besides my own ego? What are we actually talking discussing here? A tiny push? What is this really about? What does surfing bring to me? And what do I bring to surfing? There’s a saying that the best surfer is simply the one having the most fun. I’d forgotten that, despite my bright pink surfboard. It took me a while to remember. At the end of our session, I showed Michael a photo of me riding a wave. We both laughed. How absurd is my “tale of woe” in this context?

As a coach, I help people see just how ridiculous their own ideas and beliefs can be – those same thoughts that make life unnecessarily hard for themselves and others. We often laugh about it. That laughter creates distance from the ego. I remind people of what really matters to them, what’s genuinely at stake for them. This clarity makes things easier for the coachee to process and understand. Just yesterday I spoke with Michael’s boss, who was thrilled with Michael’s performance and the progress in his area. I’m looking forward to hearing Michael’s take on things when we meet next.